Produce Free Weekend

Recently I wrote a blog post over on my usual sharing space called "Seeking The Good". This blog detailed out some major trauma and fears I was agonizing over about a LDS workshop. Well, I'm reporting that it turned out to be a mostly produce free weekend for me. It certainly brought many many things front and center about this journey. I felt moved and ashamed all at once. Strange, but it was a good thing.

My two favorite talks were exactly spoken to me and I wish to death I had taken notes (but who can with a crazy grumpy teething 9 mo old in their arms?!). The first was Brad Wilcox. I really wish I had taken notes because his talk was amazing. Perhaps others knew what he was talking about by heart but I surely didn't! The different names of Jesus was a really eye opening talk that made me want to tape record and go find all the references! The next was Wendy Ulrich. Her talk about forgiveness, letting go, and apologizing was simply life changing.

I learned things I hadn't expected to come up why listening to her speak - 1, I carry sorrow in my heart and while I can forgive others, I rarely can forgive myself. 2, Apologizing changes the way the story is remembered. 3, When an apology cannot be made to the other side, an apology to God is where to start. The full force of stress that I felt over seeing a ghost at the same time of listening to that talk made me realize how much I have to forgive myself and give it over to God.

It's such a foreign concept to me and I know I expect to work on this for quite some time. There are times in life when reconciliation is not an option. I'm in one of those times. It's not something that I didn't expect. I had several clear warning signs that all ended in being truly hated and well, that sucks. But the concept of apologizing to myself in reflection, of letting it go and forgiving myself while relying on the strength of Christ and the atonement were not on my radar. Much to ponder.

All in all, it was an OK weekend. It wasn't great but much of that has to do with my own deep and intense processing and it wasn't bad at all. I'm glad I went. I'm glad I took a leap of faith and conquered my fears.

I have much healing to do.... I've been pondering this:

'But Jesus turned him about and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole' Matthew 9:22