A bit of clarity.

Month two.

I am still struggling. I'm actually having a hard time finding the Spirit at church of all places. It feels like there is so much talk of duty and obligation that I feel backed into a corner. I want to focus on all the good, but I'm totally admitting to having a hard time. I've evaluated my mental position through this and I'll be totally honest - I am holding everyone at arms distance.

Why? Well, it's pretty simple - I don't want to be "like them". I love being ME and I don't want to lose this in the giant conglomeration of this mass frantic obligatory church. It's new to me, this concept of being organized by force into wards and callings instead of doing what is your natural talent and pursuing it with real intent. I suppose in some ways it's making me grow in ways I might not otherwise, but honestly, I feel like I'm pretending and not really given a chance to be ME!

 We've had a chance to get to know a few of the families better and had dinner with three of them over the last month. Those smaller settings seem easier for me. Those that have reached out to us are the ones that make a world of difference. Small steps along the way.

I'm really not sure there is a place in this for me at all.

Now, there seems to be some misunderstandings, so let's clarify a bit:

1) The three hour time block is NOT new to me. I've been in and out of many churches in my life and newsflash: Mormons aren't the only ones who meet together for more than an hour. I have meditated with Buddhists for hours, I have been in Pagan blessings and had the honor of attending completely silent Quaker prayer service that lasted 4 hours.

2) I'm not whining. I'm being honest. There is a difference.

3) I'm not giving up. Just getting it out there so it doesn't strangle me to death.